tumbling upwards

restless

2011-10-03T15:33:00.001-07:00

i found this amazing video loop in frips' blog

altered books, selling stuff on ebay and restored health

2011-10-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

i was ill all of last week, so i stayed home from work, took to bed and cured myself by immense doses of sleep, peppermint tea and aspirin. since friday i have been feeling better and finally started working on the five (!) altered book collaborations that had been waiting for me for ages.

my favourite from the "dog II book aka fortaleza" is this one:

the book has been very well prepared by margaret orr and so it was a pleasure working with it. then there were two moleskine journals "nobody knows the truffles i've seen" by kanchan which were hard to deal with because the paper is so soft and doesn't like glue. my favourite from those is this here so far - another one, which i may like even better, is still drying:

the first one i worked on was "stoned soul picnic", an altered children's board book where each page is split in half and can be combined with different upper and lower halves. this is what one of my spreads looks like:

otherwise i am selling as many things as i can on ebay at the moment as i need more money and less stuff. if anyone is reading this and wants to buy something from my artwork - you are welcome to contact me.

greed, finances, disappointment, polaroids

2011-09-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

alright,
as i have logged in here i might as well write something.
actually, i might use this as some sort of journal - and isn't that what blogging's all about?

yesterday i got a quite huge tax bill which i had to pay immediately, so it will be pasta and pesto for the rest of the month. moreover i got to know that my future ex-husband filed a complaint against his paying of half the sum for these taxes, so i might end up paying all of it, whereas he gladly accepted half of the refund of last year and the year before that.

which made me think about morals.
an action performed in good intention - that's what i accept as a definition.

artwise i am trying out polaroid photography, but i will have to experiment a bit further to get the knack of it. i'll show you two pieces, though:

this is my very first pola, photoshopped though. first i thought the camera doesn't work but then a friend gave me an old filmbox, i tried it out and found that it must have been the film that was too old. so i got me a new one and got this here:

this is also photoshopped, but just adding contrast and depth in colours. i feel i might get addicted to that. but the film is quite expensive and at the moment ....
well, you can start reading from the top again.

stormy

2009-11-15T12:43:00.001-08:00

it's stormy weathers
but i will make it
this time
without too many losses

emotional hang over

2009-09-05T04:43:00.001-07:00

a control issue
trust
negligence
permanence?
permanence?
permanence?

blogging from my email account

2009-09-04T06:45:00.001-07:00

does this work?
and how?
whoa - all the invisible links and webs.
scary

do i really want to start blogging again?

2009-09-04T06:29:00.000-07:00

don't know yet. most of all because i don't know if anyone at all is reading this. so if you do, please leave me sign.
love

spiders

2008-06-23T03:08:00.000-07:00

I started fighting them late this year

and what with the mild winter and dry summer
they are everywhere now
the thing has gone out of hand this time
visitors, neighbors, relatives, it has become everyone
so I am forced to do something
love me, love my spider webs is not an option anymore

I feel bad plugging in the Hoover
it‘s not me, I think, I am forced to do something
they are sucked into the steel tube one by one
roughly 1.3 meters between my hand and the killing hole
I start thinking about futility,
about the detachedness of killing
gas chambers and the holocaust

about how contrary to popular cultural belief
there‘s always an easy way out, babe
about how I don‘t step up to people to say
I hate you
I‘d rather keep the spiders and do without you
the easy way out: using the passive voice
they are killed, they are sucked in, I am forced

and that‘s when grasping the reason for my life-long addictions
comes into reach once more
I would give myself a hard bruise right now
if I was that kind of person
to be subject of one‘s own actions
active voice - reflective voice
for a lack of natural enemies, probably

I leave the house, go into the woods, put my hand into this huge anthill
- when I get back home
my kids are dancing barefoot to some Beach Boys tune
it smells of coffee
I hide my red swollen hand
and the perspective changes once again
but I still don‘t understand a thing about this life

day 143

2008-05-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

run run run run run run
lungs pumping
--------- oxygen -----------
the sound of my soles on the ground
soft needle-covered ground
it is still cool outside
sun rays slanted sideways
painting golden patterns
run run run run run run
my mind emptying itself
getting back into shape
greeting the foxes the deer
and all the feathered ones
it has been a long winter
of heart-ache, loss and darkness
getting back into shape
run run run run run run

day 124

2008-05-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

Looking for somewhere to stand and stay
I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away
Can I get a minute of not being nervous
and not thinking of my ****
My leg is sparkles, my leg is pins
I better get my shit together, better gather my shit in
You could drive a car through my head in five minutes
from one side of it to the other

the national: slow show listen
picture by tetramegistus

day 103

2008-04-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

ahhh - the sun is back, it isn't so cold anymore, my tulips start blooming,
some friends came over for coffee, i went running in the woods for the first time in months
and met a squirrel, 3 deer and masses of the birds i don't know the english name of -
so all in all life is beautiful ...
and here's the soundtrack for today

today - day 101

2008-04-10T01:27:00.000-07:00

The Most Serene Republic - Piticlip #2
by lablogotheque

two giraffes
a lion
a black box
confusion
triumphant blue blood

day 88

2008-03-22T01:49:00.001-07:00

happy easter

Baby Chicken by *EyeBallPingPongPro on deviant ART

day 68

2008-03-08T04:28:00.000-08:00

#44 - THE SHINS - PART1
by lablogotheque

day 60

2008-03-01T02:43:00.001-08:00

my entry for the saatchi book cover competition

day 54

2008-02-23T05:47:00.000-08:00

If it's the beaches by The Avett Brothers

I'm in a melancholy mood today and this is how it feels

Don't say it's over
Cause that's the worst news I could hear I swear that I will
Do my best to be here just the way you like it
Even though its hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and change for you

If I could go back
That's the first thing I would do I swear that I would
Do my best to follow through
Come up with a master plan
A homerun hit, a winning stand
A guarantee and not a promise
That I'll never let your love slip from my hands

If it's the beaches
If it's the beaches' sands you want
Then you will have them
If it's the mountains' bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it's the wish to run away
Then I will grant it
Take whatever you think of
While I go gas up the truck
Pack the old love letters up
We will read them when we forget why we left here

Listen Here

day 52

2008-02-21T13:28:00.001-08:00

From Heather's blog - a Pearl Jam live mix
including this wonderful Dead Moon cover and many
many more I have loved for so long:

It's okay, we've all seen better days
It's okay, you don't have to run and hide away
It's okay
It's okay, yeah we love you anyway

For in those reckless moments
When doubt is creeping in your head
Feeling like you've lost your youth
And the dreams you had are cold and dead
I can't reach you anymore
That's gonna take a different man
I can't protect you like before
You've slipped beyond my hands
But it's okay.......

I wish that I could light the path
That leads to a life of no mistakes
Hold you from the damned be done
That living out of safety seems to take
I remember still the child in you
As if only yesterday
It was easy to break through
I only had to kiss the pain
But it's okay.......

This is my chance, this is my life
And my opening hour
This is my choice, this is my voice
There may be no tomorrow
This is my plea, this is my need
This is my time for standing free
This is my step, this is my depth
In a world demanding of me
But is's okay.......

day 51

2008-02-20T12:42:00.000-08:00

guess I'm doing something wrong
never feel right in these shoes
a pocket full of matches and a head full of flames
...
in the middle of a swan dive

bad news by the eels - who play in berlin tonight - sigh

day 49

2008-02-18T01:07:00.000-08:00

home again from a sad week in munich
and a week of splendid weather and skiing in italy
waiting for changes to come and decisions to be made

intermodulation distortion by *jkd-kat on deviant ART

day 33/2

2008-02-02T05:06:00.001-08:00

day 33/1

2008-02-02T04:31:00.000-08:00

"Don't you feed me lines
about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right
if you keep tearing out the sutures."

by The Postal Service

day 27

2008-01-27T11:57:00.000-08:00

"I submit my incentive is romance
I watch the pole dance of the stars
We rejoice because the hurting is so painless
From the distance of passing cars
But I am married to your charms and grace
I just go crazy like the good old days
You make me want to pick up a guitar
And celebrate the myriad ways that I love you

Can't you see what you've done to my heart,
and soul?
This is a wasteland now."

by Interpol

day 17

2008-01-17T03:14:00.000-08:00

life is great at the moment. i have agreed
on an art trade, so i am producing a booklet
- illustrated poems -
and will get one in return. i am still waiting
for my latest film roll to come back from
the lab (with pics from the strange icy frost
days before christmas). and at the weekend
i will shoot the first b/w photos which i
plan to develop by myself with the help of
a friend and his darkroom equipment.

i finally found this video on youtube - enjoy

day 10

2008-01-10T09:01:00.000-08:00

day 9

2008-01-09T03:36:00.000-08:00

ahhh - bright eyes!!

day 7

2008-01-07T01:26:00.000-08:00

this nice guy really cheers me up

day 4

2008-01-04T08:52:00.000-08:00

after four weeks of sick-leave and holidays i am starting the last weekend before going to work again (although i am still coughing).

monday - still on sick-leave

2007-12-17T07:35:00.000-08:00

a thursday with w.h.auden

2007-12-13T09:52:00.000-08:00

Our claim to own our bodies and our world
Is our catastrophe. What can we know
But panic and caprice until we know
Our dreadful appetite demands a world
Whose order, origin, and purpose will
Be fluent satisfaction of our will?
w.h.auden from "canzone"

wednesday evening

2007-12-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

i am sick and fighting my sore throat with rumtopf -
my dear husband's special remedy against nearly anything
and you know what?
it helps.

and this is a video I saw in London -
i feel bad about the fact that someone must have filmed it
but then - hey what... enjoy!

by william kentridge - a genius!

monday morning

2007-12-10T01:21:00.001-08:00

It is a thin crust
that keeps some of us from breaking apart
a thin layer between
the melting, glowing, hot insides
and the well-known outside normalcy
and yet protecting us from exploding
and from hard indentures
a thin layer of protective shield.
Let it grow.

the lord's day

2007-12-09T10:27:00.000-08:00

today i spent 6 hours on the advents market baking and selling crepes
yummy
the photo, by the way, is not mine but taken from www.chrisandpammy.com/blog/pammy/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/crepes2.jpg
without explicit permission - so if chrisandpammy are a restaurant you may want to go there and enjoy their yummy crepes (nearly as good as mine, presumably)

wednesday

2007-12-05T01:40:00.000-08:00

Comfort:

Ay me! for aught that I could ever read,
could ever hear by tale or history,
the course of true love never did run smooth;
but either it was different in blood, -

O cross! too high to be enthralled to low.

Or else misgraffed in respect of years, -

O spite! too old to be engaged to young.

Or else it stood upon the choice of friends, -

O hell! to choose love by another‘s eyes.

Or, if there were a sympathy in choice,
War, death, or sickness did lay siege to it,
making it momentany as a sound,
swift as a shadow, short as any dream;
Brief as the lightning in the collied night,
that, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth,
and ere a man hath power to say „Behold!“
the jaws of darkness do devour it up:
So quick bright things come to confusion.

If then true lovers have been crossed,
it stands as an edict in destiny:
Then let us teach our trial patience,
because it is a customary cross,
As due to love as thoughts and dreams and sighs,
wishes and tears, poor fancy‘s followers.

saturday

2007-11-30T14:12:00.000-08:00

The Shins addressing me:

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
you held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
oh what a contrast you were
to the brutes in the halls
my timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
tied to a brick
sweet as a song
the years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
we fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
when our kite lines first crossed
we tied them into knots
and to finally fly apart
we had to cut them off.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
so you understand less as the pages turn
or a movie so crass
and awkardly cast
that even I could be the star.

I don't look back as much as a rule
and all this way before murder was cool
but your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
warm light on a winter day.

Over the ramparts you tossed
the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
tied to a brick
sweet as a song
the years have seemed short but the days go slowly by
two loose kites falling from the sky
drawn to the ground and an end to flight.

wednesday

2007-11-28T02:54:00.000-08:00

days ahead

thursday

2007-11-22T03:18:00.000-08:00

sure i remember the brassai exhibition!!
the photos of the couple in that seedy bar ... seulement magnifique.

wednesday evening

2007-11-21T10:57:00.000-08:00

I am smiling.
I force my heart not to ache.
It's easy. It's bullshit.
I am functioning.
The rest is not important.

wednesday

2007-11-21T03:36:00.000-08:00

ha ha, anonymous - it took me a while to figure that one out ...
but she's great, great, great
cd's on heavy rotation already

tuesday evening

2007-11-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

i hate dentists

monday afternoon

2007-11-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

for my next piece of art i am doing research on a russian actress of the beginning of the last century - vera cholodnaja - and actually found dziga vertov on youtube!! now just watch this!! there are 8 more parts on youtube (because of their damn 10 minutes limit...), all of them absolutely worth watching. and here's an excerpt from a clever text about that film (sorry, german only, so go get your dictionaries ;)

Einer der erstaunlichsten Aspekte dieses Films ist, daß sich die Kamera trotz der experimentellen und außergewöhnlichen Kameratechnik nie in den Vordergrund drängt. In modernen Filmen scheint die Kamera oft wichtiger zu sein als die Geschichte. Nicht so bei Vertov. Selbst wenn die Kamera selbst zum Gegenstand des Films wird, bleibt sie gleichzeitig distanzierter Beobachter und Teil eines großen Ganzen. Trotz der Fülle an Bildern und Szenen verliert der Film nie seinen Zusammenhalt.

the lord's day

2007-11-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

coming home from church frozen into an icycle
to bed with a warm water bottle and a novel
is there anything more relaxing?
now i can face another week
staying away from madness this time

saturday

2007-11-17T01:07:00.001-08:00

gee am i feeling splendid

midnight

2007-11-16T14:58:00.000-08:00

not enough walls to cover sorrow
not enough bricks to drown love

friday noon

2007-11-16T03:12:00.000-08:00

i am glad
i managed to pass another week
trying to stay afloat
in all this madness

friday early morning

2007-11-15T23:44:00.000-08:00

hard to tell the difference
between tiredness, exhaustion and sadness
where to turn to?
writing writing writing
seems to be the only refuge

wednesday afternoon

2007-11-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

drinking shockingly sweet
peppermint tea
watching the snow-mixed rain fall
wearing two pairs of socks

tuesday morning

2007-11-12T23:55:00.000-08:00

riding my bike over frozen puddles
cracking them open
a pleasant sound

monday

2007-11-12T05:53:00.000-08:00

pulsing
on - off - on - off - on - off
small but steadily pulsing
till one day
crrrrrrrck
off

then
on again

sunday

2007-11-11T07:11:00.000-08:00

anchorage - barcelona - cairo - dublin - edinburgh - florence - genua - honolulu - istanbul - jerusalem - kopenhagen - london - milano - nizza - oslo - paris - q - rome - san francisco - toronto - udine - venice - warsaw - xtraterrestial region - yaffa - zapzapzap. and where are you?

the lord's day

2007-11-11T07:09:00.000-08:00

last night i dreamed of snow.
this morning when i woke up the first snow was falling.

i got a moma catalogue for my birthday.
when i opened it at random, i saw louise brooks.

saturday afternoon

2007-11-10T06:05:00.000-08:00

1. without rhyme or reasoning

2. " ... the afternoon wore on like a tattered fabric of used and borrowed moments."
"There was a desperation in that, a gulf of sadness that took the man out of himself for a long moment, and he just stood there in front of the office, receipt in hand, staring into space." (TCB)

thursday later on

2007-11-08T07:18:00.000-08:00

A darkness in the weather of the eye
Is half its light; the fathomed sea
Breaks on unangled land. (DT)

yearnings are imprisoned
like rare carnivores
roaring and rattling the bars of their cages

thursday

2007-11-08T04:08:00.000-08:00

...
And from the first declension of the flesh
I learnt man's tongue, to twist the shapes of thoughts
Into the stony idiom of the brain,
To shade and knit anew the patch of words
Left by the dead who, in their moonless acre,
Need no word's warmth.
The root of tongues ends in a spentout cancer,
That but a name, where maggots have their X.
I learnt the verbs of will, and had my secret;
The code of night tapped on my tongue;
What had been one was many sounding minded.
...
Dylan Thomas

birthday

2007-11-07T03:26:00.001-08:00

I am happy. I got a meaningful present. It breaks my heart.

I knew a line from this song in another lifetime.

"I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering
fundamental differing

pure intention juxtaposed
will set two lovers' souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
the light that fueled our fire
then has burned a hole between us
so we cannot see to reach an end
crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them tumble down
no fault
none to blame
it doesn't mean I don't desire to
point the finger
blame the other
watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together
rediscover communication.

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between

And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit
but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering
strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough
to know the dangers of our second guessing.
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
and strengthen our communication

cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion

between supposed lovers
between supposed brothers.

And I know the pieces fit."

tuesday morning

2007-11-06T00:19:00.000-08:00

The Shins addressing me:

The gutter may profess its love,
Then follow it with hesitation,
But there are just so many
Of you out there for rent,
A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide,
Loss has conquered you,
You've won one too many fights,
Wearing many hats every time,
But you won't win here tonight,
You've made it through the direst of straits alright,
Can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting?
You haven't changed an ounce in my eyes,
And I cannot lecture you,
And does anything I say seem relevant at all?
You've been at the helm since you were just five,
While I cannot claim to be more than a passenger,
But, you've won one too many fights,
Wearing all of your clothes at the same time,
Let the good times end tonight,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,
Just a moment or two from now,
Not a mind will retain even a trace,
Of the thoughts that I struggled to tell
And how our stack of cards just fell,
So settle this once and for all,
The light no longer shows the cracks around my door,
And I have no lantern to light your way home tonight,
You are not some saint who's above,
Giving someone a stroll through the flowers,
You've got so much more to dream of,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time.

monday morning

2007-11-05T02:30:00.000-08:00

floating on an illusion

drifting further out

signals getting weaker

interferences too strong

oscillations of unknown pattern

open to interpretation

into the dark again

a complete lack of

anything

sunday

2007-11-04T04:47:00.000-08:00

light filtering through the curtains
dead snails on my doorstep
my thoughts sticky, entangled cobwebs
fragile and easily breaking but still clinging together
somehow

and yes deletions

wild th---------
------------------
----------------groovy
i think i -----------------
----------------------sure
------me--------------
shark attack!

later on saturday

2007-11-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

In the white room with black curtains near the station.
Blackroof country, no gold pavements, tired starlings.
Silver horses ran down moonbeams in your dark eyes.
Dawnlight smiles on you leaving, my contentment.

I'll wait in this place where the sun never shines;
Wait in this place where the shadows run from themselves.

You said no strings could secure you at the station.
Platform ticket, restless diesels, goodbye windows.
I walked into such a sad time at the station.
As I walked out, felt my own need just beginning.

I'll wait in the queue when the trains come back;
Lie with you where the shadows run from themselves.

At the party she was kindness in the hard crowd.
Consolation for the old wound now forgotten.
Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her dark eyes.
She's just dressing, goodbye windows, tired starlings.

I'll sleep in this place with the lonely crowd;
Lie in the dark where the shadows run from themselves.

cream: white room

saturday

2007-11-03T08:00:00.001-07:00

well, ok, i'll do it, too
i'll start blogging
why?
i love writing
so i'll try it out
another aimless cybersoul floating
that's basically it
an outlet for the blues